http://forwardlybackwards.tumblr.com/

fuck it.  i'm going to tumblr.

I don't know what happened.
And I don't know when.
But I know that I'm happy.
That I'm being nice.  To everyone.
I want to be.
I'm sick of trying to fit in.
I'm sick of changing to please.
This is who I am.

I like hanging out with my mum and when my dad kisses me goodnight.  I like it when my lunch gets made for me and when my parents tell me they love me.  I like staying at home in my pajamas and watching tv.  I like watching disney channel and listening to miley cyrus and the jonas brothers.  I like singing outloud and dancing like no one is watching in public.  I like being boring.  I like to read and write.  I love school with a passion.  And I love smiling.  I like pretending I have no problems.  And I miss Waipara.  I like playing the snow and having water fights.  I like just being and not talking.  I like being quiet.  I know the words to every taylor swift and miley cyrus song.  I like watching spongebob squarepants.  I like hugs.  I love God.  I have a teddy bear sleeping bag on my bed.  And celebrity posters.  I believe in magic.  I like pretending I'm still a little kid.  Because, honestly, I don't want to grow up.

I wish we could of ended things well
Instead of having this underlying grudge
I do still care, underneath it all
I love you, just not like that
I simply wish we still had our friendship

I really like him.  I'm hoping you'll read this
Just so you'll understand
I talked to him for 15 seconds today
And I couldn't stop smiling for half an hour
You wanted me to be happy
Please don't take my happy away from me.
I'm begging you, please.

Confession Eighteen:
I like being the teachers pet.  It means I'm doing something and everything right.

This is what people should live for.
A feeling like no other.
I have never been happier to be alive.

Confession Seventeen:
You give me little tingles everywhere, just by touching me.

It’s cruel, one would assume, how life can treat you. It will build you up, taller than a mountain, and then proceed to drag you down, lower than the ocean. People will judge you, today and tomorrow, probably years from now. You will end up spending your life living for everyone, other than yourself. You have to learn to leave them behind, in a cloud of your dust, because if they cannot accept who you are, then they shouldn’t be in your life.

I have learnt, mistakes will never be forgotten, but they might be forgiven. People will look down upon you for things in your past, and they will base their opinion on these things. They won’t look into who you are, only the things you do. Inner beauty never matters, because ugly runs deep.

Don’t make mistakes; don’t screw things up, be the perfect person everyone wishes they could be. Don’t talk, don’t look, don’t walk, don’t act, and don’t breathe. Just be. It’s that simple. Pretend to be present but do not live. The more you live, the more mistakes you will make and the more people will judge and bring you down.

I can pretend that it doesn't get me, right in the heart of my being.  I can blink away the tears and paste on the false smile.  But it doesn't mean I hurt any less, it doesn't me it breaks up apart.  It means you don't see the little cracks in my foundation.  The things I'll think about when I'm alone, the things I'll beat myself up about.  No one understands.  Because they look at the mistakes, not what the mistakes mean for me.  I have to live with these things.  So don't pretend you get it, don't talk about it behind my back.  Say it to my face, cus then at least I can shut you out of my life.  Because that is what I do.  I push pain so far away, so that I don't have to feel.  Because that is the way I like it.  Just.  Leave me alone.  I'll show you just how much you don't want me.  You'll wish you had never even known my name (:

Confession Sixteen:
I picked you.  Just when you decided I was everything you never want.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write.  I guess the only things I have to say are these:

• I'm doing whats right.  Just wait and see.
• I'm sick of judgmental people.
• I'm tired of being judged
• I'm over life.
• I'm over everything.

Just fuck you all.

Confession Fifteen:
I will always care what people think about me.  And I will always take it to heart.  And I will always hurt about it.

lets work it out yeah

Confession Fourteen:I just want everything to be simple.  I hate life. 

The world is slipping away.
My fingertips can't hold on.
Watch me let go.

Confession Thirteen:
I'm far too sensitive for my own good.

We can't tell the future, no
But thats just the beauty of, the world we know.

Confession Twelve:
I'm so jealous.  More then you know.

i'm gonna try and blog. properly.

You said to me once, that my life wasn't that hard, that nothing about it should cause me to be how I am.  I've been thinking.  You see the outside, the crystal clear exterior of my life.  But what about the things that I carry, that I feel, that I beat myself up about, what about all the things you didn't look long enough to see.  They drown a person, they weigh them down, right to the bottom.  You don't see them.  The little bullet holes in my soul.  My life isn't that bad, but my interior is.  Its battered and bruised and tired.  Most of all, tired.  I don't see the path, I think I wandered off.  I'm just walking, aimlessly.  I keep bumping into thorns, I keep bleeding everywhere, I keep inflicting pain with acts I don't even see.  I'm the most selfish person in the world, because selfishness is wanted the easy way out.  You know, I think people would forgive me, if I chose to open the door, to walk right into the darkness.  I don't fear not being alive, I don't have any reason to stay.  I have nothing that speaks to my soul.  I'm waiting for that person, that friend, that boyfriend ? that'll make me feel.  But I won't hold my breath.  Or on second thought, maybe I will.

Confession Eleven:
I just lay on the grass for twenty minutes writing verbal suicide notes.  I think I'm going crazy.  

I wanted to just be.
I don't like life.
I don't like any of this.
I wanna just, stop.
Just break the clocks.

Confession Ten:
If I could, I would beat up every person thats ever been smart to me.

Hes got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl.

Confession Nine:
You make me feel like I will always disappoint you.  So you know what, fuck trying to prove you wrong.

Don't you be wasting all your money
On syrup and honey, because
I'm sweet enough.

Confession Eight:
I cut, just so I could feel something.

I thought I was going to lose you.
Its not something I would ever want to comprehend.
I was crying.  Just crying.
I really can't live without you.
Please don't leave me.
Ever.

Confession Seven:
I fell in love with you and no one cared how I felt.  Because I was the one who fucked you guys up.  I was the slut and the bitch.  But I was the one with the real feelings.  So were you. 

factattack

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.
I enjoy pain, I love piercings, I can't straighten my hair anymore, if I had money my style would be completely different. I love making new friends, awkward guys are very cute, texting is the best thing ever, I don't do romantic, I love to creatively write and I hate school holidays.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY.
Clothes, money, iPods, Cassie, Joe, Ben, my phone, my mum, school

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART.
You smoke, funny, amazing hair, beautiful eyes, good conversation, be able to sit in silence, calls me beautiful, hang out with me and my mum lolol

SEVEN THINGS YOU WANT TO BUY
Leather jacket, dress, tights, band hoody, guys hoody from jayjays, septum piercing and new stretchers.

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
Brush teeth, put in retainer, wash off makeup, turn wireless off, plug phone in, turn off lamp

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
I fell in love with you.
I'm so fucking sorry.  You have no idea.
I love you as a friend more then anyone.
Just ask me out already.
Do you like me ?

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
This, msn, texting and thinking

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF.
Rejection.  Spiders.  Failing.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE.
See the pyramids.  Record a song.

CONFESSION SIX:
Of all the things anyone can ever say to me, telling me to gain weight is the most offensive.

I don't know what is supposed to hurt more.
The fact you're slipping away from me
Or the fact I'm just letting you go

Confession Five:
 I tell myself stories.  No, I'm not crazy lol.  I just have an overreacting imagination.

You know what
Just one big mistake.

Confession Four:
I take the blame.  For everything that has ever gone wrong in my life.

Sometimes, all you want is for someone to believe that you don't want to do it anymore.  Life, living, that you just wanna be alone.

Confession Three:
I cry during movies, because it hurts more to see pain, then to feel it.

Am I more then you bargained for, yeah ?
I've been dying to tell you
Anything you wanna hear
Cus that's just who I am this week.

Confession Two:
I have a little voice inside my head, that when I eat, tells me to stop because I'm fat.

I'm trying to stay awake so I can talk to you.
But my heads telling me to go back to sleep.

Confession One:
I'm pretty sure, you can't hate me more then I hate myself. 

My life is a constant list of things I keep fucking up.
I just wish one person would tell me I did something right.
I just want to rewind everything and change it all.
I want to to be different.  I want it to be okay.
But its not okay.  I will always hurt over this stuff.
I feel sick.  I'm not happy again.  Sighface.

These are my thoughts.  The things I hold closest to my heart.
I really really like you.  You make me happy.
And thats enough, even just friendship, is enough.
Because you are the reason I smiled today.
You are the reason I smiled most days.
This scares me.  Everything scares me now.
I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of myself.
Afraid I might be starting to feel again -.-

happyface

I'm happy.  I never blog when I'm happy but I am.

I had a great day !  I went for a run, went shopping, had cigarettes, talking to Vijay and Cassie and Joe and got to see Madd, who I haven't seen in WEEKS, and Emily, who gave blood.  Got free coffee and biscuits, smiled more then I have in ages.  I is a little sad that I can't talk to Joe though > <

I'm happy.  I'm not stressed.  I'm free, to breathe !

I will never be good enough for anyone or anything other then the ground.
Thats what I gotta live with.
Thats why I don't want you to bother.
Please.  Just don't.

I'm so unhappy.  I can't even be deep anymore, because I'm so shallow.  I see things as they are, I over think and I fall apart with a moments notice.  I'm grabbing onto to things to keep me here, but everything is failing.  I don't know what I want, or need for that matter.  I don't know where I'm walking, fuck I don't even know if I'm moving.  I'm standing still.  Just watching the world pass by and wishing I could pass with them.  I lay on the grass in the gardens today, listening to loud music and wished I could just sink into the ground.  I want to disappear.  Not die, just stop for a moment or four.  Its hard, sometimes, to smile.  I flatlined today, I don't normally do it when people are around.  I blanked out, I don't even remember about an hour of today.  I just, stopped for a moment.  Sometimes I'm happy to make myself go blank.  Its odd.  I don't want to die, but I don't like living.  I just want to be happy.  But I forgot how to do that.  My bad.

I feel so far away.  So distant, I don't think anyone really reaches me anymore.  Its confusing and it hurts.  Its as though I'm living somewhere else, and my body is only present here.  What do I do ?  I need someone to tell me where I'm suppose to turn, look.  I don't feel.  Its so hard to explain.  Its just emotion to me.  I feel it, but I don't.  Its like, when your body goes into so much stress, the heart just flat lines, and you're dead.  My emotions do that.  I feel so much, that they flat line and stop.  I become emotionless and dead.  I want to be feel, I want to be okay, but I'm really not.  I'm so broken.  I'm just pieces, held together by pure will of not wanting to fall apart.  Sigh.  I don't know anymore.

Five things make me happy now days.

1. cigarettes
2. singing
3. joe
4. cassie
5. vijay

Its hard to explain, how I really feel about everything.  When I really don't know.  You say it isn't fair, well neither were the nine months I waited for you and then the two months we were together, then the month you abused me, then the two other months you gave me false hope, then the days you took me back, then threw it back in my face.  I'm sorry, what has this been, a week?  A week.  I need time.  I gave you over a year and you moan about me dragging this out over days.  Nothing about us has ever been fair.

I don't trust you to not hurt me again, I think you're lying.  I have no faith in you not to find some other girl.  Thats why I can't do this, you can say it as many times as you like, but you lied to me.  You lied so much.  And I don't know anything anymore.  I know I like how we were the other night, it felt right.  But I can't trust you, I never will.  Not anymore.  But I know that I love you and I'm finding it hard to let go again.  I don't want too.  But do I have a choice ?

I honestly think I'm losing my mind.
I'm not even kidding.

Since you been gone.
I could breathe.

I don't know anything.
All I know.
Is that my head hurts
And I wanna get hiiiigh

Bad things always happen.
You can't stop the pain.
From yourself or for them.
It hurts.  Everywhere.
Bad things always happen.

I just don't want to feel this.
I just don't want to feel anything at all.

I don't know what to write anymore.  My life is a confusing blur at the moment, I can't see anything in clear cut focus.  I don't know who I am, what I want or where I'm going.  Don't ask me questions, I have too many of my own and don't expect the world from me, because right now, I have no world to give anyone.  I am empty, there is nothing left to see but this shell.  I've lived.  I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Reach for me, and hold me tight.  Lift me through the rings of life.  For I am heavy and I am weak, there are too many lose string to tweak.  So if you meet me and I hope you don't, please don't stare or laugh up front.  For I am simple, dim and dazed.  This life has made my brain a haze.

i feel dead.  i really do.  i just, i don't know anymore.
i don't love anymore.  i don't care.  i don't feel.
?

If someone has asked me two months ago what I expected to happen I wouldn't of answered this.  I used to be open to change, but now I miss the familiar.  If I could go back in time and re write history, I would.  I would change this so they could be exactly how I honestly want them to be.  I'm different now, I don't feel the same way.  Sometimes I wish I had a little backbone, but in the end, I always been further then I want to.  For the right people, I'll even bend over backwards.

I hate pretending.  I mean it when I say to you that I hate this life.  I honestly do.  I forgot fucking potatoes and you call me a lazy bitch who doesn't give a fuck about you.  I cook dinner every night, without complaint, hell last night I cried because I just wanted to sit down instead of cooking.  And I get this shit.  Well you know what, fuck you.  Fuck you and your fucking shit.  You're a shit mother and I hate you, just like I hate myself.

Of all the people I expected to understand how I was feeling, I never thought I would find comfort in knowing that, as fucked up as my life is, I will always have some amount of normality.  I've become the kinda person who is so false, with a happiness that has never honestly existed.  I've become the kinda person who cries on buses, gets off and walks for miles just because I couldn't face pretending I was alright.  I've become the kinda person who sees no point, no life, no anything.  Life is a pointless endeavor.  We live to die, no matter how you look at it, we're dying, every step we take, what the fuck is the point?  Why am I getting an education, why am I going to uni?  To die.  Its all leading to death.  It is so pointless.  I've just become that person who sees the shit stuff life.  And I don't even care.  The shit stuff has become my life and I'm totally fine with that.  Time for school, time to pretend I give a fuck.

skldj

I'm okay with the thought of dying.  You see, I used to afraid, but now not so much.  It doesn't scare me, I see it more as the light in my very dim tunnel.  Its a present, as someone one told me, you can't open it to soon, because it ruins the surprise.  But maybe I'm ready to open it.  Maybe it is my time.  Maybe I'm just accepting, I fucked this life up too much and I need to start again.  I need a chance to do it right.  Give me a chance.

i had a long hard think of the routes i could take, of the things i could say and i have come to this.  i will never be good enough for most of the people in my life, i accept this.  i will always disappoint and hurt people, i have accepted this too.  i will always take on board everything you say, regardless.  and i will always pretend that i am what i am not.

i could be the person i want to be right now, but i refuse.  goodbye seems so wrong in this situation.  but i can't think of a better word.  i hope you hate me and wish for me to die, because that makes me hurting and loving you, all the more worth while.  i wasn't ready to let go, but its not like i have a choice.  i will be a bitch and slut, just to prove, i'm everything you think i am, and more.  bye friend, hello stranger?

and i'll hide behind these lies, because the truth has never been so easy to find.

sometimes.
i just miss you so fucking much.
i miss everything about our friendship.
sometimes.
the distance hurts as much as the past.

Today in creative writing, after I wrote that story about you, after I was the most honest I have been in a long time, I wanted to jut cry.  I felt really small and worthless again, everything you made me feel came flooding back.  So did the hate.  I still, after all this time, can't bring myself to forgive you for what happened.  I can't forget and I certainly can't erase the scars you left.  I still love you, I'm sure of it.  But I know I don't want too.  What happened between us, what we had, was wrong on so many different levels.  It was painful and shocking, their reactions today showed me this.  I had always thought it wasn't so bad, but people hugged me, smiled apologies and I didn't know why.  I had been so blind that it took my classmates silent apologies to realize that what you did really wasn't okay and what happened, really wasn't okay.  I'm not okay with it and I don't think I ever will be.  You will always be that guy that used me, fucked me, then screwed me over with some other girl.  I can't forgive you, because you never said you were sorry.  You have never honestly apologized and you never will.  You're only sorry I caught you.

I could scream right now.  I could actually just fly.  These are the moments I live for, the moments when you realize you really are someone and people really do see you.  And that if you work hard enough, you can get exactly what you want (Y)

Right at this very moment, you don't exist.
Right at this very moment, we aren't friends.
Right at this very moment, you should know. 

I just want to punch you in the face to be honest.  You're standing up for your friend, guess you forgot about the fact it might hurt your other friend in the process.  Its nice to know, after everything, you think so little of me and the choices I might make.

what if i'm always worthless.
what then.

I ride a balanced line of emotion.  I tip one way or another.  Sometimes I tip towards the happy spectrum, and I can't feel other then the blissful unaware of the distractions my friends provide me with.  But if someone says something, looks the wrong way, does the wrong thing, I will drop, just like that.  I can be easily depressed.  I can easily not want to live.  It happens in a heartbeat and it doesn't scare me.  I'm not afraid because its hurts so much I honestly don't feel anything.  I will never be enough for anyone, I've never been called beautiful by a guy I like, I've never felt honestly wanted, I've never felt like I was someones world, that if I left they would fall apart.  I've always been expendable.  I'm not really needed by anyone.  I have always just wanted to hurt someone that loves me, just so I could feel that they felt something that I created.  The truth is, I feel like the most worthless person, I have no purpose, no drive.  I have nothing remarkably special about me.  I'm common.  I suppose my piercings are to set be apart from the world.  To make me different.  But even with them, I'm no one.  I still blend into the crowd.  No one sees me, or so it feels.  What if I become someone else?  What if I recreate who I am?  Would you see me then.  Would I still be expendable?  Why am I expendable in the first place?  Can't someone just make me their world.

Shall we sit here amongst the lies, shall we burden ourselves with something that is not even ours to carry.  Do we smile when we're breaking or cry when we're flying.  Or do we simply float through life, trapped without a greater sense of meaning other then to keep our hearts beating.  Each breath defines one more day to which we can say we have lived, one more day to which we can be unafraid will come, for it has already passed.  Time ticks away the panic and resistence and bring us closer to the time we may really be free.  For pessimists are not misery lovers, but simply people who refuse to be controlled by the lies of a society to which wishes to create a false sense of sercurity.  Optimists are dreamers, lost within a world they are too scared to admit will never become a reality.  Time makes us stronger or it kills us, you have no choice to which path it takes you.  Your only choice is to resist or simply fall inside the terror.  I recommend to fall, fall within what you feel for running away only makes it hit you about the head harder.  If you spend so much of your life running, then to what life have you lived?  Not a great one I would think.  You shall be miserable in your dream land and that would be unfortunate.  So my advice, oh happy child, is to become unhappy.  Because until you cry tears from a broken heart, lost friendship or a stab in the back you cannot say you have truely lived.

metal. yeah.

ear
ear
ear
ear
ear
ear
upper ear
upper ear
tongue
nose
septum
navel
lip
lip
tragus
nape

I simply reject societies views on who I shall be.
I rebel against their pointless and draining ideas.
They are trying to craft a perfect society
And I will not fall for their scheme
I am an individual.
Fuck yeah.

What's hard is that I fell out of love with him and right into love with you.  What's harder.  You love her.  And its exactly the same situation.  Only this time, you actually feel something for me.  I could see it in your eyes when I held your face in my hands.  There is something there for us.  I just wish you'd let it go somewhere.  I am so much better for you then her, and everyone, including you, knows it.

If you close your eyes and count to ten, I promise its not as bad as you think it is.

I am fearless, unafraid to be hurt.  I always have been.  Half the reason I get pierced is to prove to the world, I am strong and I can take pain.  I have a high pain tolerance and I am proud, because it shows that I'm not weak.  I'm far from weak.  Letting you go, takes courage.  Courage to jump and fall into someone else.  It takes a fuck load of courage.  You really have no idea how amazing I felt today, when I looked at you and her and felt nothing.  I didn't feel angry, sad or even jealous.  Because it really happened.  I'll hold onto these memories, to remind me I could feel something real, but I refuse to be in love with you, because it just drowns me and I like being able to swim. 

The point is, I'm fearless.  Unafraid to be hurt.
Srsly.  Give me your best shot.

I knew.  I see right through you.
That's why I'm so sorry.

Life doesn't have a goal, only an end.  You make life what you wish it to be, and everyone wishes for different things.  Be grateful for what you have, because it could vanish in a heart beat.  You never see it coming, but even the strongest of things can slip right out of your hands and there is no guarantee you will catch them again.

I am free.  Flying solo, without any fear of love.  I don't fear rejection anymore.  Because I let go of everything holding me back from being happy.  Why live in the past when it only makes you fear the future.

Life isn't short, its the longest thing we have to do, so fill it with the things that make you happy and eliminate the things to which bring you sadness.  I said my goodbyes to you today, you just don't know it yet.  We are so far apart I don't know if coming back is an option.  I love you Kieran.  The difference is, I'm not in love with you, you're not my world anymore.  You're just another person, just another friend.  And by God that's beautiful.

I started smoking again to fill the emptyness inside me, because it was the only thing that made me feel something other then stuff I didn't really want to feel.  I realized today, I was the one who was causing my own misery and I'm done with holding onto fire that keeps burning me.

I am happy.  And for once, no, you're not the reason.

Silence says more then my words every could.

I'm over you.  Plain and simple.
All it took was blue eyes and a smile.

I don't have anything to fix.  I don't have a problem.  I don't have misery, suffering or depression.  I'm good.  Really good.  So why I do feel like I'm breaking apart?

Competition?  The only reason you're losing, is because you are the only one competing.

Who are you?  Because honestly, I don't recognize you anymore.  I don't know who you've become or why your acting this way, but I don't even want to hang around you.  I know how you felt about me last year,  because I feel the same about you now.  I just, I don't know who you've become.  But I miss my best friend.  I really do.

I did a photo wall, so that when I was down, I could look across from my bed and see all the reasons why I should carry on.  Those reasons are:

A future.  Jac.  Kieran.  Shannon.  God.  Tash.  Vanessa.  Vijay.  Madd.  Jacqui.  Friends.  Ruby.  Mum.  Amber.  Scott.  Family.

And hey Vanessa?  I love you kaii (:

So you didn't actually do anything.
You were unfaithful the whole fucking time.
That's what I refuse to get over.

stuff.

I am not strong enough for this.
I will fall away in front of your eyes.
I'll be wounded and I'm scared she'll see me vulnerable.
I am not strong enough for this.
Its hard enough hearing about her.
I don't want to see her face, her eyes, her heart beating.
I don't want to think these horrible thoughts.
I'm better then this.  I'm better then this fear.
But I'm not strong enough.
It'll be like losing something that isn't even mine.
You may not be scared anymore, but fuck, I'm petrified.

Vanessa.  Don't do it.  I know it hurts, I know its pain, I know.  I do.  Find something to live for, find something to stand for, find something, anything, no matter how big or small and hold onto it.  I love you and I will ALWAYS be here for you.  Just don't do anything rash, because I won't forgive myself for letting it happen.  I'm here, just talk to me?  Anything.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  We can rebuild our friendship.  I'd like it a lot (:

Emotions are paramount.  Good and bad.  Without them we are nothing.  So, my darling, do not be afraid to feel.  Every emotion has a reason.

Do not be afraid of tomorrow for all it brings is merely another today.  And do not be afraid of the future, because it will only become your past.

And those, are my words of wisdom.

I really do love you.
I think your perfect.
And I love this.
I love this so much.
Just be here.
Like this.
Forever.
And I'll be okay.
I promise.

I just don't see the point in tomorrow.  When tomorrow is the same.  You feel so lonely that everything hurts, so empty nothing fills you up, so blank you don't feel anything, even with the people you used to feel with.  I don't know if what you asked hurts, because I hurt so much now anyhow.  I just want to run away, and block you out.  I don't have reasons anymore.  And I'm beyond believing I ever could. 

The blog you wrote, drove me down so hard.  I'm not blaming you, but since then I have been so low.   I can't stop thinking about it.  I just re read and re read it and it hurts so much.  Its important for me to know?  You wanted me to know?  Well I wish I didn't know.  I know we've been over this, but if I'm just this bitch, this fucking up, hurtful bitch, why would you still be here.  I just can't pick up these pieces.  Every time I try I get cut or burnt.  I can't move on.  I'm trying, but I can't.


I just want to hug you and never let go.

What do you do when the only person you want to talk to you, to feel you pain, to make it okay, you know will only walk away.  I just want you to ask me if I'm okay, so I can cry and tell you I'm not.  I'm not okay.  Haven't been since one week ago.  One week today.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Just ask me.  Just ask me if I'm okay.  And if you're the right person.  I'll say no.  If you're the wrong.  I'll say yes.

I know a secret, not much of secret.
I want to tell you.  Should I?
I don't want to see you hurt.
I know how it feels to have that person you love
Lie to you and pretend.
I'm sorry.
For what it's worth, I'm so sorry.

I can't be honest with anyone anymore.  Because the truth just hurts too deep.  What if I say it, but don't name names, would you all know who you were.  I'm going to risk it, because its so deep inside, that its breaking me up.  I should be able to be honest without being afraid of being left behind.  Right?

- I can't talk to you, not really.  Because I'm scared I'll put a foot out of line and you'll hate me.  That's no way to live.  You do things that piss me off, but I don't hold them against you.  Because you are who you are and I love you in-spite of some things you do.  Shouldn't it go both ways?

- It's all about you.  When your sad you expect me to listen to all your problems.  But when I'm sad I get told to shut that, that you don't care, that your happy and don't wanna be bought down, that you've heard it all before.  SO WHAT.  C'mon, be a fucking friend.

- You judge me.  I don't think you know I know, but you do.  I know you're watching my every move, listening to my every word and its annoying.  It fucks me off.  I am who I am, I'm not perfect, so left it.  Don't judge me because I have troubles.

- You have that look whenever I do or say something.  You have that attitude.  I hate it.  Stop being so fucking stuck up and act like a friend.  Because if you can't act like a friend then go away.  I don't have time for pretenders.

- Its a no.  A resounding no.  Please leave it alone.  You have to get your own way and as sad as it is, if I can get it for you, I will.  By the times I really can't, I just can't okay.  I like my life together and not falling apart.  Don't make it fall apart.  This time, I'm begging you.

- I love him.  Point blank.  Don't give me lectures.  Leave it alone.  I love him.  Life goes on.  I'm okay, we're okay, life is okay.  If me loving him bothers you, keep it to yourself.

I'm scared.

It seems goodbye is easy, but hello is hard.  Letting go is simple, but holding on hurts like hell.

Its like a viscous circle that keeps turning.  I'm so confused.  Its gotten to the point where I sit in complete silence but I can feel you.  I want to just sink into you, as weird as that sounds.  I would give you the world, but I'm not dumb enough to believe I would even get a slice of yours.

I think sometimes you find something when you least expect to.  You find love amongst the hate, you find safety in the fear, you find friendship with the enemies.   I'm glad I talked to you about it, I'm glad you understand.  I need someone who knows what I mean when I get worried about her, I need someone to understand why I cry about it, I need someone to understand that it hurts to watch her suffer and I can't do a thing.  I'm glad I have you and I'm glad you have me.  We find unexpected things, in unexpected places, but sometimes, those things, are exactly what we needed to find.

life. and shhhtufff ;D

I have never felt more out of place in my life.  I sat there watching you all talk about death and suicide and realized I couldn't trust myself to open my mouth.  Death is inevitable.  We are all dying to live, but aren't we really just living to die?  There is no happy ending, we all have to pass into the void.  Some people may call me depressed and pessimistic, but why hide from reality?  I'm not going to sit here and say, life is wonderful, lets talk about unicorns.  Because life is pain.  Happiness comes hand in hand with pain.  You cannot have one without another.  Love isn't love without the pain.  Just as life isn't life without death.  Its sad to think about, but something I'd rather come to terms with now, then when I'm lying on my death bed.  I was sitting in creative writing and I felt so alone and misplaced.  I was thinking about how we all have that one thing that completes us, that other half as such.  I like to think I found mind, but maybe I'm wrong.  For now, I'm okay with believing its you.  I feel like I'm seeing myself and my emotions in a different light.  Like I'm living apart from who I am.  So that I can view everything from afar.  I don't have to be emotionally involved to feel my emotions.  I watch everything I say now.  I'm different, again.  I feel like the more I lose of myself, that harder it is to know who I am.

Isn't who we are just pieces of everyone we have met.  We pick up sayings and mannerisms and personality traits from those closest to us.  Who we are are defined by the people around us.  Not us entirely, of course, but a large majority.  I'm scared to be alone, because I hate who I am.  I'm scared to think in case I'm thinking something wrong.  In a sad way, I've lost faith in myself, because I'm not good enough for us.  For all of the us's.  I'm empty.  More then before.  Now its not just me thinking I'm empty, but I can feel it.  That throbbing, ten mile wide hole.  Its a constant throb.  Reminding me it'll always hurt.  But I'm okay.  The pain reminds me of cutting, starving or hurting myself.  It reminds me I'm still alive, I'm still here, I'm still living.  Underneath everything, I'm still human.

I ask you, when you say it hurts, to tell me on a scale of one to ten, so I know exactly what to say to let you know, if I could, I would transfer spines.  I would switch us in a heartbeat, just to stop the pain.  But then, I wouldn't.  It defines you.  I mean that in a good way.  You are the strongest person I have ever met.  I admire you, I honestly do.  I wish I had your courage.  If I could change one thing between us, it would be our friendship.  I wish we were best friends.

I like how you were made for me to hug.  So that my arms wrap around your shoulders and I can breathe you in.  I like how when you smile, it shows in your eyes and across your face, not just your mouth.  I love how when you smoke, you hold it in your mouth and puff out your cheeks.  I like how you scruffle your hair around after you've had a shower.  I like the way you walk, it makes me smile.  I love the way you look when you sleep.  Like nothing in the world could harm you.  I like how I love you from you, makes me blissfully unaware I'm dead inside.  I like how you are with you nephews.  I like the fact you care about them.  I like how you get angry and ignore me.  You have that face and you refuse to look at me.  It breaks me, but I like it.  I like how I feel inside when I look into your eyes, how that one gaze can hold me together.  I like how seeing you, makes my day, every time.  I like how I never know what I'm supposed to do when your hurting.  Because you're always so strong.  I like the way I get angry when someone puts you down.  I like how, if I could call one person on my deathbed, I would call you, in a heartbeat.  I will always be here, no matter how much it hurts.  Because it does hurt.  But you are worth every second.

You asked why I love you.
Now you know.
And that's just some of it.

I'm honestly having a bad day.  I hate valentines day + I have a valentine though (:

You are 40% of me.
You are 20% of me
You are 20% of me
You are 15% of me
You are 5% of me


You all make me 100%

Its not fair.  On a scale of one to ten of fairness, I'm sitting at about a 38098645?  Its really not fair.  I say its okay, because what am I supposed to say?  'Yeah, it sucks eh.  Not being able to be normal, its really guttering.'  Its okay for you.  You're okay, I get that, and I don't resent you.  But I thought I could change.  But I should of known.  You and me work one way and one way only.  We'll be friends, maybe even best friends.  And I'll love you, more then I should, the whole fucking time.

Touching you, holding you and kissing you felt wrong.  Like I was trapped in a sick nightmare, unable to escape the memories of my past.  I couldn't think of anything else, it was branded across my vision, my thoughts, my soul.  Just you, you, you, fucking everywhere.  I wanted to scream.  Kissing him, made me want you.  Him wanting me, made me want you even more.  And once I left him, it was like a flood.  A stupid, fucking repetition of things that are supposed to be over.  I want to forget, I want to want him without comparing, without craving something that I'll never have.  You are like home, when you're away from home its strange and unfamiliar and after a while you just want to go back, sleep in your own bed, walk in your own house.  When I'm away from you, its strange and unfamiliar, I just don't feel comfortable with anyone else.  I was having such a crap day and you texted me.  It was like you knew.  That one text patched my world up again.  Because that one text meant one thing, you were thinking about me.  I know we can never be a we, but I need to have you in my life.  Without you everything is different.  And you know what, I like home.

honesty

She stuck, trapped in a timeless memory, that replays across her vision, branding its emotion remembrance deep within her brain.  Time was supposed to heal her, they said, time was supposed to make her forget.  But the pain is still present and time still drags by, reminding her that every minutes ticks on without him.  Every second, a wasted piece of her time, wishing for what she only threw away.  The clocks need to rewind, we need to go back to the night and change the course of time.  Rewire the thoughts and actions that only seek to harm us, rather then help and heal.  Change patterns and change the memories we now possess.  She had one year with him, a year that holds such a high tolerance rate of every emotion that's ever existed, its like a lesson within its self.  Her vision sees him constantly, her eyes tricking her to believe he's there.  The love is all, but a memory now.  She doesn't long for his touch, but for his voice, his company and the completion he brings.  He was special, more then just the piece that ached.  He always will be, she thought.  For she knew no matter how hard she tried, she would never honestly let go.  Because even though honesty was the hardest thing for her, she couldn't lie to herself.

I need school.  I need to feel that pen against paper, the feeling of achieving.  I need to feel my brain making sense of that equation and my mind wrapping around that english verse.  I need to remember important historical dates and I need to answer that question that no one knows.  I need to sit quietly in creative writing and then surprise the teacher when my stuff is relatively okay.  I need to be over-happy and bubbly in drama and perform, be in my element.  I gotta see the E, the one I strive for.  I was born to learn, I was born to achieve.  I was born for school and I was born to swim.  Because when I do both of those things, my world falls together. 

People you don't like school are crazy.  How can you like not the swirl of new information, bouncing off the insides of your brain.  How can you not like writing that new story and reading it with pride.  How can you not love finally understand that math work you never got, or getting a history mark back and seeing that you did well.  How can you not love performing for a crowd.  I love school.  I don't ever ever want to leave.

you texted me back
and i got butterflys.
i actually like you
like.  a lot.  wtf hahaha.

you are.

Honestly.  I have nothing to say.
I've said it all and its time.
Goodbye x

Love is pointless and one sided.  Its painful, cramped and you can never have enough room to breathe; to think.  One person always loves more and they always end up hurting themselves and the other person involved because of this.  Love makes you do crazy and really fucking unbelievable and uncharacteristic things.  Love is giving someone the power to hurt you and then allowing them to do so.  Love is forgiveness; so I guess my love ran out.

the truth is i'm really tired.  i'm beaten up and i'm hurting.  i'm sad and right now i really need to pee, because i'm drinking too much raro.  i miss sitting at the bus stop with you, so you could have your smoke.  and i miss how you have the perfect balance of spray and stale cigarettes.  it smells OM.  i miss just seeing you.  just hanging out.  just smiling because i had you in my life.  i miss a lot of things about you.  but life goes on.  i'll go on.  everything will move on without you.  i hate that thought.  y'know, my life leaving you behind.  but hey.  i guess its for the best.. right ?

ask me anything ;D
http://www.formspring.me/lexiscool

story tiiimeeee.

Standing still, time stopped, her eyes closed as the wind whipped away her troubles.  Her hands grabbed the rail and she leaned so far over she feared the icy waters would claim her as their own.  She flung herself down onto the concrete of the warf.  It's coolness calmed her and allowed her thoughts to gain a small amount of clarity.  The sea mist clung to her clothing, making it moist and chilling deep down into the marrow of her bones.  She shivered and in that simple motion the wind blew her troubles back to her and they stuck, deeper within her skin then before.  Burrowing there way to her heart, where she bleed for the memories that caused her so much pain.  She stood back up, pulling herself from the concrete, before she became a part of its charcoal depths.  Crying now, she returned to her spot at the rail, gazing out at the horizon, stretched before her, blue and untouched.  She longed to soar, to fly with the angels, to live in a peaceful world, free from blood.  Her hands gripped the salty, cool, wood rail and she pulled her body so that she sat, legs dangling, on its edge.  She stood atop it rail, treating it as though it was her thrown.  Steadying herself, she took one last deep breath.  Her feet left the wood and she flew.  To rest with the angels.

i suppose i'm feeling stuff.

It wasn't about hurting you, it wasn't about making a stand, it was never about moving on.  It was about you.  About you fighting for me.  But I should of known, how stupid was I to believe that what we had was ever worth fighting for.  But I did really believe.  Its as though something deep down in my soul anchors me to you, and in a futile attempt to make you see, I reached out.  A act of stupidity wasn't that, it was simply a cry to be wanted, a misguided try to make you see I could let go.  I wanted you to scream 'Don't leave me, don't do this, please I love you.'  I wanted you to hurt for me, I wanted you to stand up and claim me as your own.  But you didn't.  You never did.  You cried for someone else, fought for someone else, wanted someone else.  That knowledge makes my life hell sometimes. I watched you pass right out of my life and I let go.  I honestly did.  I erased you from my life, my thoughts, actions and future.  All those abusive words chipped away any of the affection I had left.  Honestly, every time I thought about you no emotion was connected to them, I was emotionally dead when it came to you.  But you had to come back, didn't you.  You've always controlled us.  Not that there was an us.  Well, not much of one anyway.  You came back and for a while I was happy, I still felt nothing for you and life was easy, you were on the sidelines, so distant I couldn't even feel you anymore.  Then something changed.  I saw you.  It was like a flood, everything came back to me.  The memories, the feelings, but most importantly the love seeped back through.  I hated myself and I hated you.  I was miserable for allowing myself to slip back to old habits, habits I now knew you just exploited and used.  Or so it felt.  I spend everyday thinking I should say goodbye.  I have to let go.  While its nothing to what I felt before, I know it will grow with our friendship.  I'll slowly begin to re-feel.  Slowly begin the process of loving you.  There is no other way.

just why.

I feel it so deep that it radiates into my bones, carving out our story deep within my cartilage.  Forever you have been burned into my entrails and strewn across my already messy mind.  Sections of my heart, divided and one is just for you.  It's as though we live in a rolling ball.  I managed to escape its well programmed turns for a short period and now I'm back within its curved walls.  Captive to the constant and familiar beating of a broken heart.  A prisoner to my own pain and rejection, memories replaying like a broken record.  Scarring skin that is still yet to heal.  Tomorrow drifts so far away, time causing me to stand still, as though someone broke the clocks to trap us in this reminiscent nightmare.  Never, it seems, will I be allowed to run from your suffocating embrace, you trap me within your cold sight, freezing my heart so I feel nothing but your icy ropes, that bind me.  They work their way, like worms, burrowing deeper with my hot, beating flesh.  They claim it as their own and smile maliciously atop their beating palace.  They reside permanently, fooling me to believing they may never leave.  Love is a trickster, a magician that has come to magic the heart.  Never will anyone be able to escape its enchanting grasp.