life. and shhhtufff ;D

I have never felt more out of place in my life.  I sat there watching you all talk about death and suicide and realized I couldn't trust myself to open my mouth.  Death is inevitable.  We are all dying to live, but aren't we really just living to die?  There is no happy ending, we all have to pass into the void.  Some people may call me depressed and pessimistic, but why hide from reality?  I'm not going to sit here and say, life is wonderful, lets talk about unicorns.  Because life is pain.  Happiness comes hand in hand with pain.  You cannot have one without another.  Love isn't love without the pain.  Just as life isn't life without death.  Its sad to think about, but something I'd rather come to terms with now, then when I'm lying on my death bed.  I was sitting in creative writing and I felt so alone and misplaced.  I was thinking about how we all have that one thing that completes us, that other half as such.  I like to think I found mind, but maybe I'm wrong.  For now, I'm okay with believing its you.  I feel like I'm seeing myself and my emotions in a different light.  Like I'm living apart from who I am.  So that I can view everything from afar.  I don't have to be emotionally involved to feel my emotions.  I watch everything I say now.  I'm different, again.  I feel like the more I lose of myself, that harder it is to know who I am.

Isn't who we are just pieces of everyone we have met.  We pick up sayings and mannerisms and personality traits from those closest to us.  Who we are are defined by the people around us.  Not us entirely, of course, but a large majority.  I'm scared to be alone, because I hate who I am.  I'm scared to think in case I'm thinking something wrong.  In a sad way, I've lost faith in myself, because I'm not good enough for us.  For all of the us's.  I'm empty.  More then before.  Now its not just me thinking I'm empty, but I can feel it.  That throbbing, ten mile wide hole.  Its a constant throb.  Reminding me it'll always hurt.  But I'm okay.  The pain reminds me of cutting, starving or hurting myself.  It reminds me I'm still alive, I'm still here, I'm still living.  Underneath everything, I'm still human.