I haven't been thinking much lately.  Whenever I do it seems to work out worse than it did before.  I keep trying to make the right decisions, to make everyone happy, but I don't even know what I want and how I need to be happy.  I don't have anyone to talk too, I wish I had that best friend that would lie on my bed with me and listen to me talk and rant about what seems like pointless problems.  But alas.  I am alone and lonely in a world filled with people with fake smiles and cold hearts.

http://forwardlybackwards.tumblr.com/

fuck it.  i'm going to tumblr.

I don't know what happened.
And I don't know when.
But I know that I'm happy.
That I'm being nice.  To everyone.
I want to be.
I'm sick of trying to fit in.
I'm sick of changing to please.
This is who I am.

I like hanging out with my mum and when my dad kisses me goodnight.  I like it when my lunch gets made for me and when my parents tell me they love me.  I like staying at home in my pajamas and watching tv.  I like watching disney channel and listening to miley cyrus and the jonas brothers.  I like singing outloud and dancing like no one is watching in public.  I like being boring.  I like to read and write.  I love school with a passion.  And I love smiling.  I like pretending I have no problems.  And I miss Waipara.  I like playing the snow and having water fights.  I like just being and not talking.  I like being quiet.  I know the words to every taylor swift and miley cyrus song.  I like watching spongebob squarepants.  I like hugs.  I love God.  I have a teddy bear sleeping bag on my bed.  And celebrity posters.  I believe in magic.  I like pretending I'm still a little kid.  Because, honestly, I don't want to grow up.

I wish we could of ended things well
Instead of having this underlying grudge
I do still care, underneath it all
I love you, just not like that
I simply wish we still had our friendship

I really like him.  I'm hoping you'll read this
Just so you'll understand
I talked to him for 15 seconds today
And I couldn't stop smiling for half an hour
You wanted me to be happy
Please don't take my happy away from me.
I'm begging you, please.

Confession Eighteen:
I like being the teachers pet.  It means I'm doing something and everything right.

This is what people should live for.
A feeling like no other.
I have never been happier to be alive.

Confession Seventeen:
You give me little tingles everywhere, just by touching me.

It’s cruel, one would assume, how life can treat you. It will build you up, taller than a mountain, and then proceed to drag you down, lower than the ocean. People will judge you, today and tomorrow, probably years from now. You will end up spending your life living for everyone, other than yourself. You have to learn to leave them behind, in a cloud of your dust, because if they cannot accept who you are, then they shouldn’t be in your life.

I have learnt, mistakes will never be forgotten, but they might be forgiven. People will look down upon you for things in your past, and they will base their opinion on these things. They won’t look into who you are, only the things you do. Inner beauty never matters, because ugly runs deep.

Don’t make mistakes; don’t screw things up, be the perfect person everyone wishes they could be. Don’t talk, don’t look, don’t walk, don’t act, and don’t breathe. Just be. It’s that simple. Pretend to be present but do not live. The more you live, the more mistakes you will make and the more people will judge and bring you down.

I can pretend that it doesn't get me, right in the heart of my being.  I can blink away the tears and paste on the false smile.  But it doesn't mean I hurt any less, it doesn't me it breaks up apart.  It means you don't see the little cracks in my foundation.  The things I'll think about when I'm alone, the things I'll beat myself up about.  No one understands.  Because they look at the mistakes, not what the mistakes mean for me.  I have to live with these things.  So don't pretend you get it, don't talk about it behind my back.  Say it to my face, cus then at least I can shut you out of my life.  Because that is what I do.  I push pain so far away, so that I don't have to feel.  Because that is the way I like it.  Just.  Leave me alone.  I'll show you just how much you don't want me.  You'll wish you had never even known my name (:

Confession Sixteen:
I picked you.  Just when you decided I was everything you never want.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write.  I guess the only things I have to say are these:

• I'm doing whats right.  Just wait and see.
• I'm sick of judgmental people.
• I'm tired of being judged
• I'm over life.
• I'm over everything.

Just fuck you all.

Confession Fifteen:
I will always care what people think about me.  And I will always take it to heart.  And I will always hurt about it.

lets work it out yeah

Confession Fourteen:I just want everything to be simple.  I hate life. 

The world is slipping away.
My fingertips can't hold on.
Watch me let go.

Confession Thirteen:
I'm far too sensitive for my own good.

We can't tell the future, no
But thats just the beauty of, the world we know.

Confession Twelve:
I'm so jealous.  More then you know.