i suppose i'm feeling stuff.

It wasn't about hurting you, it wasn't about making a stand, it was never about moving on.  It was about you.  About you fighting for me.  But I should of known, how stupid was I to believe that what we had was ever worth fighting for.  But I did really believe.  Its as though something deep down in my soul anchors me to you, and in a futile attempt to make you see, I reached out.  A act of stupidity wasn't that, it was simply a cry to be wanted, a misguided try to make you see I could let go.  I wanted you to scream 'Don't leave me, don't do this, please I love you.'  I wanted you to hurt for me, I wanted you to stand up and claim me as your own.  But you didn't.  You never did.  You cried for someone else, fought for someone else, wanted someone else.  That knowledge makes my life hell sometimes. I watched you pass right out of my life and I let go.  I honestly did.  I erased you from my life, my thoughts, actions and future.  All those abusive words chipped away any of the affection I had left.  Honestly, every time I thought about you no emotion was connected to them, I was emotionally dead when it came to you.  But you had to come back, didn't you.  You've always controlled us.  Not that there was an us.  Well, not much of one anyway.  You came back and for a while I was happy, I still felt nothing for you and life was easy, you were on the sidelines, so distant I couldn't even feel you anymore.  Then something changed.  I saw you.  It was like a flood, everything came back to me.  The memories, the feelings, but most importantly the love seeped back through.  I hated myself and I hated you.  I was miserable for allowing myself to slip back to old habits, habits I now knew you just exploited and used.  Or so it felt.  I spend everyday thinking I should say goodbye.  I have to let go.  While its nothing to what I felt before, I know it will grow with our friendship.  I'll slowly begin to re-feel.  Slowly begin the process of loving you.  There is no other way.