I don't know anything.
All I know.
Is that my head hurts
And I wanna get hiiiigh

Bad things always happen.
You can't stop the pain.
From yourself or for them.
It hurts.  Everywhere.
Bad things always happen.

I just don't want to feel this.
I just don't want to feel anything at all.

I don't know what to write anymore.  My life is a confusing blur at the moment, I can't see anything in clear cut focus.  I don't know who I am, what I want or where I'm going.  Don't ask me questions, I have too many of my own and don't expect the world from me, because right now, I have no world to give anyone.  I am empty, there is nothing left to see but this shell.  I've lived.  I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Reach for me, and hold me tight.  Lift me through the rings of life.  For I am heavy and I am weak, there are too many lose string to tweak.  So if you meet me and I hope you don't, please don't stare or laugh up front.  For I am simple, dim and dazed.  This life has made my brain a haze.

i feel dead.  i really do.  i just, i don't know anymore.
i don't love anymore.  i don't care.  i don't feel.
?

If someone has asked me two months ago what I expected to happen I wouldn't of answered this.  I used to be open to change, but now I miss the familiar.  If I could go back in time and re write history, I would.  I would change this so they could be exactly how I honestly want them to be.  I'm different now, I don't feel the same way.  Sometimes I wish I had a little backbone, but in the end, I always been further then I want to.  For the right people, I'll even bend over backwards.

I hate pretending.  I mean it when I say to you that I hate this life.  I honestly do.  I forgot fucking potatoes and you call me a lazy bitch who doesn't give a fuck about you.  I cook dinner every night, without complaint, hell last night I cried because I just wanted to sit down instead of cooking.  And I get this shit.  Well you know what, fuck you.  Fuck you and your fucking shit.  You're a shit mother and I hate you, just like I hate myself.

Of all the people I expected to understand how I was feeling, I never thought I would find comfort in knowing that, as fucked up as my life is, I will always have some amount of normality.  I've become the kinda person who is so false, with a happiness that has never honestly existed.  I've become the kinda person who cries on buses, gets off and walks for miles just because I couldn't face pretending I was alright.  I've become the kinda person who sees no point, no life, no anything.  Life is a pointless endeavor.  We live to die, no matter how you look at it, we're dying, every step we take, what the fuck is the point?  Why am I getting an education, why am I going to uni?  To die.  Its all leading to death.  It is so pointless.  I've just become that person who sees the shit stuff life.  And I don't even care.  The shit stuff has become my life and I'm totally fine with that.  Time for school, time to pretend I give a fuck.

skldj

I'm okay with the thought of dying.  You see, I used to afraid, but now not so much.  It doesn't scare me, I see it more as the light in my very dim tunnel.  Its a present, as someone one told me, you can't open it to soon, because it ruins the surprise.  But maybe I'm ready to open it.  Maybe it is my time.  Maybe I'm just accepting, I fucked this life up too much and I need to start again.  I need a chance to do it right.  Give me a chance.

i had a long hard think of the routes i could take, of the things i could say and i have come to this.  i will never be good enough for most of the people in my life, i accept this.  i will always disappoint and hurt people, i have accepted this too.  i will always take on board everything you say, regardless.  and i will always pretend that i am what i am not.

i could be the person i want to be right now, but i refuse.  goodbye seems so wrong in this situation.  but i can't think of a better word.  i hope you hate me and wish for me to die, because that makes me hurting and loving you, all the more worth while.  i wasn't ready to let go, but its not like i have a choice.  i will be a bitch and slut, just to prove, i'm everything you think i am, and more.  bye friend, hello stranger?

and i'll hide behind these lies, because the truth has never been so easy to find.

sometimes.
i just miss you so fucking much.
i miss everything about our friendship.
sometimes.
the distance hurts as much as the past.

Today in creative writing, after I wrote that story about you, after I was the most honest I have been in a long time, I wanted to jut cry.  I felt really small and worthless again, everything you made me feel came flooding back.  So did the hate.  I still, after all this time, can't bring myself to forgive you for what happened.  I can't forget and I certainly can't erase the scars you left.  I still love you, I'm sure of it.  But I know I don't want too.  What happened between us, what we had, was wrong on so many different levels.  It was painful and shocking, their reactions today showed me this.  I had always thought it wasn't so bad, but people hugged me, smiled apologies and I didn't know why.  I had been so blind that it took my classmates silent apologies to realize that what you did really wasn't okay and what happened, really wasn't okay.  I'm not okay with it and I don't think I ever will be.  You will always be that guy that used me, fucked me, then screwed me over with some other girl.  I can't forgive you, because you never said you were sorry.  You have never honestly apologized and you never will.  You're only sorry I caught you.

I could scream right now.  I could actually just fly.  These are the moments I live for, the moments when you realize you really are someone and people really do see you.  And that if you work hard enough, you can get exactly what you want (Y)

Right at this very moment, you don't exist.
Right at this very moment, we aren't friends.
Right at this very moment, you should know. 

I just want to punch you in the face to be honest.  You're standing up for your friend, guess you forgot about the fact it might hurt your other friend in the process.  Its nice to know, after everything, you think so little of me and the choices I might make.

what if i'm always worthless.
what then.

I ride a balanced line of emotion.  I tip one way or another.  Sometimes I tip towards the happy spectrum, and I can't feel other then the blissful unaware of the distractions my friends provide me with.  But if someone says something, looks the wrong way, does the wrong thing, I will drop, just like that.  I can be easily depressed.  I can easily not want to live.  It happens in a heartbeat and it doesn't scare me.  I'm not afraid because its hurts so much I honestly don't feel anything.  I will never be enough for anyone, I've never been called beautiful by a guy I like, I've never felt honestly wanted, I've never felt like I was someones world, that if I left they would fall apart.  I've always been expendable.  I'm not really needed by anyone.  I have always just wanted to hurt someone that loves me, just so I could feel that they felt something that I created.  The truth is, I feel like the most worthless person, I have no purpose, no drive.  I have nothing remarkably special about me.  I'm common.  I suppose my piercings are to set be apart from the world.  To make me different.  But even with them, I'm no one.  I still blend into the crowd.  No one sees me, or so it feels.  What if I become someone else?  What if I recreate who I am?  Would you see me then.  Would I still be expendable?  Why am I expendable in the first place?  Can't someone just make me their world.

Shall we sit here amongst the lies, shall we burden ourselves with something that is not even ours to carry.  Do we smile when we're breaking or cry when we're flying.  Or do we simply float through life, trapped without a greater sense of meaning other then to keep our hearts beating.  Each breath defines one more day to which we can say we have lived, one more day to which we can be unafraid will come, for it has already passed.  Time ticks away the panic and resistence and bring us closer to the time we may really be free.  For pessimists are not misery lovers, but simply people who refuse to be controlled by the lies of a society to which wishes to create a false sense of sercurity.  Optimists are dreamers, lost within a world they are too scared to admit will never become a reality.  Time makes us stronger or it kills us, you have no choice to which path it takes you.  Your only choice is to resist or simply fall inside the terror.  I recommend to fall, fall within what you feel for running away only makes it hit you about the head harder.  If you spend so much of your life running, then to what life have you lived?  Not a great one I would think.  You shall be miserable in your dream land and that would be unfortunate.  So my advice, oh happy child, is to become unhappy.  Because until you cry tears from a broken heart, lost friendship or a stab in the back you cannot say you have truely lived.

metal. yeah.

ear
ear
ear
ear
ear
ear
upper ear
upper ear
tongue
nose
septum
navel
lip
lip
tragus
nape

I simply reject societies views on who I shall be.
I rebel against their pointless and draining ideas.
They are trying to craft a perfect society
And I will not fall for their scheme
I am an individual.
Fuck yeah.

What's hard is that I fell out of love with him and right into love with you.  What's harder.  You love her.  And its exactly the same situation.  Only this time, you actually feel something for me.  I could see it in your eyes when I held your face in my hands.  There is something there for us.  I just wish you'd let it go somewhere.  I am so much better for you then her, and everyone, including you, knows it.

If you close your eyes and count to ten, I promise its not as bad as you think it is.

I am fearless, unafraid to be hurt.  I always have been.  Half the reason I get pierced is to prove to the world, I am strong and I can take pain.  I have a high pain tolerance and I am proud, because it shows that I'm not weak.  I'm far from weak.  Letting you go, takes courage.  Courage to jump and fall into someone else.  It takes a fuck load of courage.  You really have no idea how amazing I felt today, when I looked at you and her and felt nothing.  I didn't feel angry, sad or even jealous.  Because it really happened.  I'll hold onto these memories, to remind me I could feel something real, but I refuse to be in love with you, because it just drowns me and I like being able to swim. 

The point is, I'm fearless.  Unafraid to be hurt.
Srsly.  Give me your best shot.

I knew.  I see right through you.
That's why I'm so sorry.

Life doesn't have a goal, only an end.  You make life what you wish it to be, and everyone wishes for different things.  Be grateful for what you have, because it could vanish in a heart beat.  You never see it coming, but even the strongest of things can slip right out of your hands and there is no guarantee you will catch them again.

I am free.  Flying solo, without any fear of love.  I don't fear rejection anymore.  Because I let go of everything holding me back from being happy.  Why live in the past when it only makes you fear the future.

Life isn't short, its the longest thing we have to do, so fill it with the things that make you happy and eliminate the things to which bring you sadness.  I said my goodbyes to you today, you just don't know it yet.  We are so far apart I don't know if coming back is an option.  I love you Kieran.  The difference is, I'm not in love with you, you're not my world anymore.  You're just another person, just another friend.  And by God that's beautiful.

I started smoking again to fill the emptyness inside me, because it was the only thing that made me feel something other then stuff I didn't really want to feel.  I realized today, I was the one who was causing my own misery and I'm done with holding onto fire that keeps burning me.

I am happy.  And for once, no, you're not the reason.

Silence says more then my words every could.

I'm over you.  Plain and simple.
All it took was blue eyes and a smile.

I don't have anything to fix.  I don't have a problem.  I don't have misery, suffering or depression.  I'm good.  Really good.  So why I do feel like I'm breaking apart?

Competition?  The only reason you're losing, is because you are the only one competing.

Who are you?  Because honestly, I don't recognize you anymore.  I don't know who you've become or why your acting this way, but I don't even want to hang around you.  I know how you felt about me last year,  because I feel the same about you now.  I just, I don't know who you've become.  But I miss my best friend.  I really do.