I did a photo wall, so that when I was down, I could look across from my bed and see all the reasons why I should carry on.  Those reasons are:

A future.  Jac.  Kieran.  Shannon.  God.  Tash.  Vanessa.  Vijay.  Madd.  Jacqui.  Friends.  Ruby.  Mum.  Amber.  Scott.  Family.

And hey Vanessa?  I love you kaii (:

So you didn't actually do anything.
You were unfaithful the whole fucking time.
That's what I refuse to get over.

stuff.

I am not strong enough for this.
I will fall away in front of your eyes.
I'll be wounded and I'm scared she'll see me vulnerable.
I am not strong enough for this.
Its hard enough hearing about her.
I don't want to see her face, her eyes, her heart beating.
I don't want to think these horrible thoughts.
I'm better then this.  I'm better then this fear.
But I'm not strong enough.
It'll be like losing something that isn't even mine.
You may not be scared anymore, but fuck, I'm petrified.

Vanessa.  Don't do it.  I know it hurts, I know its pain, I know.  I do.  Find something to live for, find something to stand for, find something, anything, no matter how big or small and hold onto it.  I love you and I will ALWAYS be here for you.  Just don't do anything rash, because I won't forgive myself for letting it happen.  I'm here, just talk to me?  Anything.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  We can rebuild our friendship.  I'd like it a lot (:

Emotions are paramount.  Good and bad.  Without them we are nothing.  So, my darling, do not be afraid to feel.  Every emotion has a reason.

Do not be afraid of tomorrow for all it brings is merely another today.  And do not be afraid of the future, because it will only become your past.

And those, are my words of wisdom.

I really do love you.
I think your perfect.
And I love this.
I love this so much.
Just be here.
Like this.
Forever.
And I'll be okay.
I promise.

I just don't see the point in tomorrow.  When tomorrow is the same.  You feel so lonely that everything hurts, so empty nothing fills you up, so blank you don't feel anything, even with the people you used to feel with.  I don't know if what you asked hurts, because I hurt so much now anyhow.  I just want to run away, and block you out.  I don't have reasons anymore.  And I'm beyond believing I ever could. 

The blog you wrote, drove me down so hard.  I'm not blaming you, but since then I have been so low.   I can't stop thinking about it.  I just re read and re read it and it hurts so much.  Its important for me to know?  You wanted me to know?  Well I wish I didn't know.  I know we've been over this, but if I'm just this bitch, this fucking up, hurtful bitch, why would you still be here.  I just can't pick up these pieces.  Every time I try I get cut or burnt.  I can't move on.  I'm trying, but I can't.


I just want to hug you and never let go.

What do you do when the only person you want to talk to you, to feel you pain, to make it okay, you know will only walk away.  I just want you to ask me if I'm okay, so I can cry and tell you I'm not.  I'm not okay.  Haven't been since one week ago.  One week today.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Just ask me.  Just ask me if I'm okay.  And if you're the right person.  I'll say no.  If you're the wrong.  I'll say yes.

I know a secret, not much of secret.
I want to tell you.  Should I?
I don't want to see you hurt.
I know how it feels to have that person you love
Lie to you and pretend.
I'm sorry.
For what it's worth, I'm so sorry.

I can't be honest with anyone anymore.  Because the truth just hurts too deep.  What if I say it, but don't name names, would you all know who you were.  I'm going to risk it, because its so deep inside, that its breaking me up.  I should be able to be honest without being afraid of being left behind.  Right?

- I can't talk to you, not really.  Because I'm scared I'll put a foot out of line and you'll hate me.  That's no way to live.  You do things that piss me off, but I don't hold them against you.  Because you are who you are and I love you in-spite of some things you do.  Shouldn't it go both ways?

- It's all about you.  When your sad you expect me to listen to all your problems.  But when I'm sad I get told to shut that, that you don't care, that your happy and don't wanna be bought down, that you've heard it all before.  SO WHAT.  C'mon, be a fucking friend.

- You judge me.  I don't think you know I know, but you do.  I know you're watching my every move, listening to my every word and its annoying.  It fucks me off.  I am who I am, I'm not perfect, so left it.  Don't judge me because I have troubles.

- You have that look whenever I do or say something.  You have that attitude.  I hate it.  Stop being so fucking stuck up and act like a friend.  Because if you can't act like a friend then go away.  I don't have time for pretenders.

- Its a no.  A resounding no.  Please leave it alone.  You have to get your own way and as sad as it is, if I can get it for you, I will.  By the times I really can't, I just can't okay.  I like my life together and not falling apart.  Don't make it fall apart.  This time, I'm begging you.

- I love him.  Point blank.  Don't give me lectures.  Leave it alone.  I love him.  Life goes on.  I'm okay, we're okay, life is okay.  If me loving him bothers you, keep it to yourself.

I'm scared.

It seems goodbye is easy, but hello is hard.  Letting go is simple, but holding on hurts like hell.

Its like a viscous circle that keeps turning.  I'm so confused.  Its gotten to the point where I sit in complete silence but I can feel you.  I want to just sink into you, as weird as that sounds.  I would give you the world, but I'm not dumb enough to believe I would even get a slice of yours.

I think sometimes you find something when you least expect to.  You find love amongst the hate, you find safety in the fear, you find friendship with the enemies.   I'm glad I talked to you about it, I'm glad you understand.  I need someone who knows what I mean when I get worried about her, I need someone to understand why I cry about it, I need someone to understand that it hurts to watch her suffer and I can't do a thing.  I'm glad I have you and I'm glad you have me.  We find unexpected things, in unexpected places, but sometimes, those things, are exactly what we needed to find.

life. and shhhtufff ;D

I have never felt more out of place in my life.  I sat there watching you all talk about death and suicide and realized I couldn't trust myself to open my mouth.  Death is inevitable.  We are all dying to live, but aren't we really just living to die?  There is no happy ending, we all have to pass into the void.  Some people may call me depressed and pessimistic, but why hide from reality?  I'm not going to sit here and say, life is wonderful, lets talk about unicorns.  Because life is pain.  Happiness comes hand in hand with pain.  You cannot have one without another.  Love isn't love without the pain.  Just as life isn't life without death.  Its sad to think about, but something I'd rather come to terms with now, then when I'm lying on my death bed.  I was sitting in creative writing and I felt so alone and misplaced.  I was thinking about how we all have that one thing that completes us, that other half as such.  I like to think I found mind, but maybe I'm wrong.  For now, I'm okay with believing its you.  I feel like I'm seeing myself and my emotions in a different light.  Like I'm living apart from who I am.  So that I can view everything from afar.  I don't have to be emotionally involved to feel my emotions.  I watch everything I say now.  I'm different, again.  I feel like the more I lose of myself, that harder it is to know who I am.

Isn't who we are just pieces of everyone we have met.  We pick up sayings and mannerisms and personality traits from those closest to us.  Who we are are defined by the people around us.  Not us entirely, of course, but a large majority.  I'm scared to be alone, because I hate who I am.  I'm scared to think in case I'm thinking something wrong.  In a sad way, I've lost faith in myself, because I'm not good enough for us.  For all of the us's.  I'm empty.  More then before.  Now its not just me thinking I'm empty, but I can feel it.  That throbbing, ten mile wide hole.  Its a constant throb.  Reminding me it'll always hurt.  But I'm okay.  The pain reminds me of cutting, starving or hurting myself.  It reminds me I'm still alive, I'm still here, I'm still living.  Underneath everything, I'm still human.

I ask you, when you say it hurts, to tell me on a scale of one to ten, so I know exactly what to say to let you know, if I could, I would transfer spines.  I would switch us in a heartbeat, just to stop the pain.  But then, I wouldn't.  It defines you.  I mean that in a good way.  You are the strongest person I have ever met.  I admire you, I honestly do.  I wish I had your courage.  If I could change one thing between us, it would be our friendship.  I wish we were best friends.

I like how you were made for me to hug.  So that my arms wrap around your shoulders and I can breathe you in.  I like how when you smile, it shows in your eyes and across your face, not just your mouth.  I love how when you smoke, you hold it in your mouth and puff out your cheeks.  I like how you scruffle your hair around after you've had a shower.  I like the way you walk, it makes me smile.  I love the way you look when you sleep.  Like nothing in the world could harm you.  I like how I love you from you, makes me blissfully unaware I'm dead inside.  I like how you are with you nephews.  I like the fact you care about them.  I like how you get angry and ignore me.  You have that face and you refuse to look at me.  It breaks me, but I like it.  I like how I feel inside when I look into your eyes, how that one gaze can hold me together.  I like how seeing you, makes my day, every time.  I like how I never know what I'm supposed to do when your hurting.  Because you're always so strong.  I like the way I get angry when someone puts you down.  I like how, if I could call one person on my deathbed, I would call you, in a heartbeat.  I will always be here, no matter how much it hurts.  Because it does hurt.  But you are worth every second.

You asked why I love you.
Now you know.
And that's just some of it.

I'm honestly having a bad day.  I hate valentines day + I have a valentine though (:

You are 40% of me.
You are 20% of me
You are 20% of me
You are 15% of me
You are 5% of me


You all make me 100%

Its not fair.  On a scale of one to ten of fairness, I'm sitting at about a 38098645?  Its really not fair.  I say its okay, because what am I supposed to say?  'Yeah, it sucks eh.  Not being able to be normal, its really guttering.'  Its okay for you.  You're okay, I get that, and I don't resent you.  But I thought I could change.  But I should of known.  You and me work one way and one way only.  We'll be friends, maybe even best friends.  And I'll love you, more then I should, the whole fucking time.

Touching you, holding you and kissing you felt wrong.  Like I was trapped in a sick nightmare, unable to escape the memories of my past.  I couldn't think of anything else, it was branded across my vision, my thoughts, my soul.  Just you, you, you, fucking everywhere.  I wanted to scream.  Kissing him, made me want you.  Him wanting me, made me want you even more.  And once I left him, it was like a flood.  A stupid, fucking repetition of things that are supposed to be over.  I want to forget, I want to want him without comparing, without craving something that I'll never have.  You are like home, when you're away from home its strange and unfamiliar and after a while you just want to go back, sleep in your own bed, walk in your own house.  When I'm away from you, its strange and unfamiliar, I just don't feel comfortable with anyone else.  I was having such a crap day and you texted me.  It was like you knew.  That one text patched my world up again.  Because that one text meant one thing, you were thinking about me.  I know we can never be a we, but I need to have you in my life.  Without you everything is different.  And you know what, I like home.

honesty

She stuck, trapped in a timeless memory, that replays across her vision, branding its emotion remembrance deep within her brain.  Time was supposed to heal her, they said, time was supposed to make her forget.  But the pain is still present and time still drags by, reminding her that every minutes ticks on without him.  Every second, a wasted piece of her time, wishing for what she only threw away.  The clocks need to rewind, we need to go back to the night and change the course of time.  Rewire the thoughts and actions that only seek to harm us, rather then help and heal.  Change patterns and change the memories we now possess.  She had one year with him, a year that holds such a high tolerance rate of every emotion that's ever existed, its like a lesson within its self.  Her vision sees him constantly, her eyes tricking her to believe he's there.  The love is all, but a memory now.  She doesn't long for his touch, but for his voice, his company and the completion he brings.  He was special, more then just the piece that ached.  He always will be, she thought.  For she knew no matter how hard she tried, she would never honestly let go.  Because even though honesty was the hardest thing for her, she couldn't lie to herself.

I need school.  I need to feel that pen against paper, the feeling of achieving.  I need to feel my brain making sense of that equation and my mind wrapping around that english verse.  I need to remember important historical dates and I need to answer that question that no one knows.  I need to sit quietly in creative writing and then surprise the teacher when my stuff is relatively okay.  I need to be over-happy and bubbly in drama and perform, be in my element.  I gotta see the E, the one I strive for.  I was born to learn, I was born to achieve.  I was born for school and I was born to swim.  Because when I do both of those things, my world falls together. 

People you don't like school are crazy.  How can you like not the swirl of new information, bouncing off the insides of your brain.  How can you not like writing that new story and reading it with pride.  How can you not love finally understand that math work you never got, or getting a history mark back and seeing that you did well.  How can you not love performing for a crowd.  I love school.  I don't ever ever want to leave.

you texted me back
and i got butterflys.
i actually like you
like.  a lot.  wtf hahaha.

you are.

Honestly.  I have nothing to say.
I've said it all and its time.
Goodbye x