I wish we could of ended things well
Instead of having this underlying grudge
I do still care, underneath it all
I love you, just not like that
I simply wish we still had our friendship

I really like him.  I'm hoping you'll read this
Just so you'll understand
I talked to him for 15 seconds today
And I couldn't stop smiling for half an hour
You wanted me to be happy
Please don't take my happy away from me.
I'm begging you, please.

Confession Eighteen:
I like being the teachers pet.  It means I'm doing something and everything right.

This is what people should live for.
A feeling like no other.
I have never been happier to be alive.

Confession Seventeen:
You give me little tingles everywhere, just by touching me.

It’s cruel, one would assume, how life can treat you. It will build you up, taller than a mountain, and then proceed to drag you down, lower than the ocean. People will judge you, today and tomorrow, probably years from now. You will end up spending your life living for everyone, other than yourself. You have to learn to leave them behind, in a cloud of your dust, because if they cannot accept who you are, then they shouldn’t be in your life.

I have learnt, mistakes will never be forgotten, but they might be forgiven. People will look down upon you for things in your past, and they will base their opinion on these things. They won’t look into who you are, only the things you do. Inner beauty never matters, because ugly runs deep.

Don’t make mistakes; don’t screw things up, be the perfect person everyone wishes they could be. Don’t talk, don’t look, don’t walk, don’t act, and don’t breathe. Just be. It’s that simple. Pretend to be present but do not live. The more you live, the more mistakes you will make and the more people will judge and bring you down.

I can pretend that it doesn't get me, right in the heart of my being.  I can blink away the tears and paste on the false smile.  But it doesn't mean I hurt any less, it doesn't me it breaks up apart.  It means you don't see the little cracks in my foundation.  The things I'll think about when I'm alone, the things I'll beat myself up about.  No one understands.  Because they look at the mistakes, not what the mistakes mean for me.  I have to live with these things.  So don't pretend you get it, don't talk about it behind my back.  Say it to my face, cus then at least I can shut you out of my life.  Because that is what I do.  I push pain so far away, so that I don't have to feel.  Because that is the way I like it.  Just.  Leave me alone.  I'll show you just how much you don't want me.  You'll wish you had never even known my name (:

Confession Sixteen:
I picked you.  Just when you decided I was everything you never want.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write.  I guess the only things I have to say are these:

• I'm doing whats right.  Just wait and see.
• I'm sick of judgmental people.
• I'm tired of being judged
• I'm over life.
• I'm over everything.

Just fuck you all.

Confession Fifteen:
I will always care what people think about me.  And I will always take it to heart.  And I will always hurt about it.

lets work it out yeah

Confession Fourteen:I just want everything to be simple.  I hate life. 

The world is slipping away.
My fingertips can't hold on.
Watch me let go.

Confession Thirteen:
I'm far too sensitive for my own good.

We can't tell the future, no
But thats just the beauty of, the world we know.

Confession Twelve:
I'm so jealous.  More then you know.

i'm gonna try and blog. properly.

You said to me once, that my life wasn't that hard, that nothing about it should cause me to be how I am.  I've been thinking.  You see the outside, the crystal clear exterior of my life.  But what about the things that I carry, that I feel, that I beat myself up about, what about all the things you didn't look long enough to see.  They drown a person, they weigh them down, right to the bottom.  You don't see them.  The little bullet holes in my soul.  My life isn't that bad, but my interior is.  Its battered and bruised and tired.  Most of all, tired.  I don't see the path, I think I wandered off.  I'm just walking, aimlessly.  I keep bumping into thorns, I keep bleeding everywhere, I keep inflicting pain with acts I don't even see.  I'm the most selfish person in the world, because selfishness is wanted the easy way out.  You know, I think people would forgive me, if I chose to open the door, to walk right into the darkness.  I don't fear not being alive, I don't have any reason to stay.  I have nothing that speaks to my soul.  I'm waiting for that person, that friend, that boyfriend ? that'll make me feel.  But I won't hold my breath.  Or on second thought, maybe I will.

Confession Eleven:
I just lay on the grass for twenty minutes writing verbal suicide notes.  I think I'm going crazy.  

I wanted to just be.
I don't like life.
I don't like any of this.
I wanna just, stop.
Just break the clocks.

Confession Ten:
If I could, I would beat up every person thats ever been smart to me.

Hes got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl.

Confession Nine:
You make me feel like I will always disappoint you.  So you know what, fuck trying to prove you wrong.

Don't you be wasting all your money
On syrup and honey, because
I'm sweet enough.

Confession Eight:
I cut, just so I could feel something.

I thought I was going to lose you.
Its not something I would ever want to comprehend.
I was crying.  Just crying.
I really can't live without you.
Please don't leave me.
Ever.

Confession Seven:
I fell in love with you and no one cared how I felt.  Because I was the one who fucked you guys up.  I was the slut and the bitch.  But I was the one with the real feelings.  So were you. 

factattack

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.
I enjoy pain, I love piercings, I can't straighten my hair anymore, if I had money my style would be completely different. I love making new friends, awkward guys are very cute, texting is the best thing ever, I don't do romantic, I love to creatively write and I hate school holidays.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY.
Clothes, money, iPods, Cassie, Joe, Ben, my phone, my mum, school

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART.
You smoke, funny, amazing hair, beautiful eyes, good conversation, be able to sit in silence, calls me beautiful, hang out with me and my mum lolol

SEVEN THINGS YOU WANT TO BUY
Leather jacket, dress, tights, band hoody, guys hoody from jayjays, septum piercing and new stretchers.

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
Brush teeth, put in retainer, wash off makeup, turn wireless off, plug phone in, turn off lamp

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
I fell in love with you.
I'm so fucking sorry.  You have no idea.
I love you as a friend more then anyone.
Just ask me out already.
Do you like me ?

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
This, msn, texting and thinking

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF.
Rejection.  Spiders.  Failing.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE.
See the pyramids.  Record a song.

CONFESSION SIX:
Of all the things anyone can ever say to me, telling me to gain weight is the most offensive.

I don't know what is supposed to hurt more.
The fact you're slipping away from me
Or the fact I'm just letting you go

Confession Five:
 I tell myself stories.  No, I'm not crazy lol.  I just have an overreacting imagination.

You know what
Just one big mistake.

Confession Four:
I take the blame.  For everything that has ever gone wrong in my life.

Sometimes, all you want is for someone to believe that you don't want to do it anymore.  Life, living, that you just wanna be alone.

Confession Three:
I cry during movies, because it hurts more to see pain, then to feel it.

Am I more then you bargained for, yeah ?
I've been dying to tell you
Anything you wanna hear
Cus that's just who I am this week.

Confession Two:
I have a little voice inside my head, that when I eat, tells me to stop because I'm fat.

I'm trying to stay awake so I can talk to you.
But my heads telling me to go back to sleep.

Confession One:
I'm pretty sure, you can't hate me more then I hate myself. 

My life is a constant list of things I keep fucking up.
I just wish one person would tell me I did something right.
I just want to rewind everything and change it all.
I want to to be different.  I want it to be okay.
But its not okay.  I will always hurt over this stuff.
I feel sick.  I'm not happy again.  Sighface.

These are my thoughts.  The things I hold closest to my heart.
I really really like you.  You make me happy.
And thats enough, even just friendship, is enough.
Because you are the reason I smiled today.
You are the reason I smiled most days.
This scares me.  Everything scares me now.
I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of myself.
Afraid I might be starting to feel again -.-

happyface

I'm happy.  I never blog when I'm happy but I am.

I had a great day !  I went for a run, went shopping, had cigarettes, talking to Vijay and Cassie and Joe and got to see Madd, who I haven't seen in WEEKS, and Emily, who gave blood.  Got free coffee and biscuits, smiled more then I have in ages.  I is a little sad that I can't talk to Joe though > <

I'm happy.  I'm not stressed.  I'm free, to breathe !

I will never be good enough for anyone or anything other then the ground.
Thats what I gotta live with.
Thats why I don't want you to bother.
Please.  Just don't.

I'm so unhappy.  I can't even be deep anymore, because I'm so shallow.  I see things as they are, I over think and I fall apart with a moments notice.  I'm grabbing onto to things to keep me here, but everything is failing.  I don't know what I want, or need for that matter.  I don't know where I'm walking, fuck I don't even know if I'm moving.  I'm standing still.  Just watching the world pass by and wishing I could pass with them.  I lay on the grass in the gardens today, listening to loud music and wished I could just sink into the ground.  I want to disappear.  Not die, just stop for a moment or four.  Its hard, sometimes, to smile.  I flatlined today, I don't normally do it when people are around.  I blanked out, I don't even remember about an hour of today.  I just, stopped for a moment.  Sometimes I'm happy to make myself go blank.  Its odd.  I don't want to die, but I don't like living.  I just want to be happy.  But I forgot how to do that.  My bad.

I feel so far away.  So distant, I don't think anyone really reaches me anymore.  Its confusing and it hurts.  Its as though I'm living somewhere else, and my body is only present here.  What do I do ?  I need someone to tell me where I'm suppose to turn, look.  I don't feel.  Its so hard to explain.  Its just emotion to me.  I feel it, but I don't.  Its like, when your body goes into so much stress, the heart just flat lines, and you're dead.  My emotions do that.  I feel so much, that they flat line and stop.  I become emotionless and dead.  I want to be feel, I want to be okay, but I'm really not.  I'm so broken.  I'm just pieces, held together by pure will of not wanting to fall apart.  Sigh.  I don't know anymore.

Five things make me happy now days.

1. cigarettes
2. singing
3. joe
4. cassie
5. vijay

Its hard to explain, how I really feel about everything.  When I really don't know.  You say it isn't fair, well neither were the nine months I waited for you and then the two months we were together, then the month you abused me, then the two other months you gave me false hope, then the days you took me back, then threw it back in my face.  I'm sorry, what has this been, a week?  A week.  I need time.  I gave you over a year and you moan about me dragging this out over days.  Nothing about us has ever been fair.

I don't trust you to not hurt me again, I think you're lying.  I have no faith in you not to find some other girl.  Thats why I can't do this, you can say it as many times as you like, but you lied to me.  You lied so much.  And I don't know anything anymore.  I know I like how we were the other night, it felt right.  But I can't trust you, I never will.  Not anymore.  But I know that I love you and I'm finding it hard to let go again.  I don't want too.  But do I have a choice ?

I honestly think I'm losing my mind.
I'm not even kidding.

Since you been gone.
I could breathe.