Love is pointless and one sided.  Its painful, cramped and you can never have enough room to breathe; to think.  One person always loves more and they always end up hurting themselves and the other person involved because of this.  Love makes you do crazy and really fucking unbelievable and uncharacteristic things.  Love is giving someone the power to hurt you and then allowing them to do so.  Love is forgiveness; so I guess my love ran out.

the truth is i'm really tired.  i'm beaten up and i'm hurting.  i'm sad and right now i really need to pee, because i'm drinking too much raro.  i miss sitting at the bus stop with you, so you could have your smoke.  and i miss how you have the perfect balance of spray and stale cigarettes.  it smells OM.  i miss just seeing you.  just hanging out.  just smiling because i had you in my life.  i miss a lot of things about you.  but life goes on.  i'll go on.  everything will move on without you.  i hate that thought.  y'know, my life leaving you behind.  but hey.  i guess its for the best.. right ?

ask me anything ;D
http://www.formspring.me/lexiscool

story tiiimeeee.

Standing still, time stopped, her eyes closed as the wind whipped away her troubles.  Her hands grabbed the rail and she leaned so far over she feared the icy waters would claim her as their own.  She flung herself down onto the concrete of the warf.  It's coolness calmed her and allowed her thoughts to gain a small amount of clarity.  The sea mist clung to her clothing, making it moist and chilling deep down into the marrow of her bones.  She shivered and in that simple motion the wind blew her troubles back to her and they stuck, deeper within her skin then before.  Burrowing there way to her heart, where she bleed for the memories that caused her so much pain.  She stood back up, pulling herself from the concrete, before she became a part of its charcoal depths.  Crying now, she returned to her spot at the rail, gazing out at the horizon, stretched before her, blue and untouched.  She longed to soar, to fly with the angels, to live in a peaceful world, free from blood.  Her hands gripped the salty, cool, wood rail and she pulled her body so that she sat, legs dangling, on its edge.  She stood atop it rail, treating it as though it was her thrown.  Steadying herself, she took one last deep breath.  Her feet left the wood and she flew.  To rest with the angels.

i suppose i'm feeling stuff.

It wasn't about hurting you, it wasn't about making a stand, it was never about moving on.  It was about you.  About you fighting for me.  But I should of known, how stupid was I to believe that what we had was ever worth fighting for.  But I did really believe.  Its as though something deep down in my soul anchors me to you, and in a futile attempt to make you see, I reached out.  A act of stupidity wasn't that, it was simply a cry to be wanted, a misguided try to make you see I could let go.  I wanted you to scream 'Don't leave me, don't do this, please I love you.'  I wanted you to hurt for me, I wanted you to stand up and claim me as your own.  But you didn't.  You never did.  You cried for someone else, fought for someone else, wanted someone else.  That knowledge makes my life hell sometimes. I watched you pass right out of my life and I let go.  I honestly did.  I erased you from my life, my thoughts, actions and future.  All those abusive words chipped away any of the affection I had left.  Honestly, every time I thought about you no emotion was connected to them, I was emotionally dead when it came to you.  But you had to come back, didn't you.  You've always controlled us.  Not that there was an us.  Well, not much of one anyway.  You came back and for a while I was happy, I still felt nothing for you and life was easy, you were on the sidelines, so distant I couldn't even feel you anymore.  Then something changed.  I saw you.  It was like a flood, everything came back to me.  The memories, the feelings, but most importantly the love seeped back through.  I hated myself and I hated you.  I was miserable for allowing myself to slip back to old habits, habits I now knew you just exploited and used.  Or so it felt.  I spend everyday thinking I should say goodbye.  I have to let go.  While its nothing to what I felt before, I know it will grow with our friendship.  I'll slowly begin to re-feel.  Slowly begin the process of loving you.  There is no other way.

just why.

I feel it so deep that it radiates into my bones, carving out our story deep within my cartilage.  Forever you have been burned into my entrails and strewn across my already messy mind.  Sections of my heart, divided and one is just for you.  It's as though we live in a rolling ball.  I managed to escape its well programmed turns for a short period and now I'm back within its curved walls.  Captive to the constant and familiar beating of a broken heart.  A prisoner to my own pain and rejection, memories replaying like a broken record.  Scarring skin that is still yet to heal.  Tomorrow drifts so far away, time causing me to stand still, as though someone broke the clocks to trap us in this reminiscent nightmare.  Never, it seems, will I be allowed to run from your suffocating embrace, you trap me within your cold sight, freezing my heart so I feel nothing but your icy ropes, that bind me.  They work their way, like worms, burrowing deeper with my hot, beating flesh.  They claim it as their own and smile maliciously atop their beating palace.  They reside permanently, fooling me to believing they may never leave.  Love is a trickster, a magician that has come to magic the heart.  Never will anyone be able to escape its enchanting grasp.